Dear old people in the grocery stores …. I realize that you have to get your groceries just like the rest of us, but apparently in your advanced years, you seem to have forgotten some basic public space etiquette. Please, let me remind you of a few small details.

1. You seem likely to be retired … why the hell are you going to the grocery store at peak shopping hours for non-retired people? Seriously — there is no need for you to invade en masse on weekends. This is why the senior buses always go on like a Tuesday through Thursday during the day. Keep this in mind.

2. The old people speed contradiction needs to be solved. That is, you walk down the aisles (usually in the middle of the aisle and look put out when someone politely excuses themselves around you) at less than a snail’s pace. Clearly, you are not in a hurry or it’s hard to read/ decide… whatever… the point is you’re freaking slow as you toddle around the store. However, when it comes to the checkout line, you suddenly are in the biggest hurry on the face of the planet.

3. If there are a lot of folks in the store and the check out lines are long, bitching from the back of the line to the person checking out is NOT, I repeat NOT going to get the line moving faster.

4. Just because you’re old, doesn’t mean that you don’t have to wait your turn. So, don’t look all put out when you try to cut in front of me and I politely remind you that you’re behind me. I’m only polite once and it’s only because I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt for being bloody blind or senile to have missed me standing there.

5. You may have lived this long, but you’re really taking undue risks with you life by invading my personal space in the line. In particular, there are two offenses that old people in lines seem to be most likely to commit. The first one is bashing you with their grocery cart while you’re standing waiting in line. This is inexcusable and should get you told off immediately (I particularly like telling people off in German, it’s so much easier to sound all pissed off…and yes, I do mean when I’m in Germany I like that). The second one is standing too close (ewwwww) and then coughing your old person nasty ass cough in my hair. Really????? I’d turn around, but I wouldn’t want to get that sputtering nastiness in my face as you’re like a foot from my head and clearly not covering your mouth.

In short — you’re old, but you’re not excused from being socially appropriate. Remember, we get to pick, run, and regulate your nursing homes…

Oh yeah — and if you were actually expecting an ode with its three parts, lyrical nature, and communication of love or affection — you’re out of luck too 🙂